Thursday, February 14, 2008

Diego’s Links N’at

The Bruins shut down the Pens red-hot power play last night at the Mellon Arena. The Bruins won the game 2-1 ruining the Penguins home stand win streak.

Don’t worry if you have no date tonight, the Pen’s play tonight against Carolina. Tyler Kennedy will be making his return after beating mono, congrats young man!

On the other hand Fleury (with his new white pads) got his first rehab start playing for the baby Pens last night, and he also got a W saving 30 of 31 shots.

Pitt plays on ESPN Friday night at 9:00 against Marquette, Levance Fields will make his return to the team in this one.

Looks like old Diego was correct when he predicted a Super Bowl victory would catapult Eli Manning into an advertising juggernaut.

And for the bored…

When Kareem Abdul-Jabbar talk, people listen… or read here’s a link to the big guy’s brand-spankin’ new blog.

And here’s the top 20 athlete bloggers.

Simply put, it’s Stuff White People Like.

10 Most Out of Shape Athletes

In sports today, steroids are the hottest topic going. On a daily basis there are steroid stories in the news, and it’s not only limited to sports news. Jose Canseco’s book, “Juiced”, first shed light on the topic, and a media blitz that started in baseball trickled down to other sports (even golf) shortly afterwards. Even Congress stuck their nose in it. The question I am asking is what about the other end of the spectrum? You know, the fatties. Where is their love? Well, Diego and Snack will show them some this week with their Top 10 most out of shape athletes in sports. Let’s do this….

10. Tony Stewart - Nascar #20

I am not going to lie to you, I don’t know a thing about Nascar racing, but I didn’t want to exclude the sport because of this. I don’t watch it at all, but Snack kind of likes it cuz it’s a hillbillie sport and he did live in Dayton, Ohio for like 10 years or so. I am surprised that Big Tony can even fit in his racecar. It’s not like you really have to be in tip top shape to drive a car around in a circle, but it has to be tight in there with all the extra protection inside the cockpit. I know Italians like to eat, but this guy has had one too many bowls of pasta with meatballs. I do know that Tony Stewart has been known to mix it up with other racers, so I guess he is ok in Diego’s book, but he still needs to hit the gym.

Dreaming of hoagies…

9. The Third Option from NES ‘Ice Hockey’

I wanted to include hockey on the list, but it’s hard to find a fat hockey player because most of those guys are in amazing shape. And I figured since this ties in with last week’s top 10, I would use it. Oh the fat hockey guy. He shoots the puck harder then all the others, and he can knock those skinny pansies around (more cushion for the pushin’). Sure, he may need an oxygen mask in-between shifts, but who cares? Someone test this guy for performance enhancing drugs. Not to mention he gave a ray of hope to a young, ignorant Big Snack who after playing this game, held out hope that he too could one day make it to the NHL…

Fat on fat crime…

8. Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland Raiders Kicker

Come on now buddy, you have no excuse for being a fatbody; you're a kicker! All you do at practice everyday is stretch your hammies and boot a few field goals, then you’re off joking around with the punter and long snapper for the rest of the day. Maybe you should spend some of that time hitting the weights instead of brokering deals for GHB, getting into bar room brawls, and eating donuts. However, the "Polish Powderkeg" is one of the most powerful kickers in the league. Our guess is some of that power is derived from that massive beer gut of his.

Wahh! Who ate my last donut?

7. Miguel Cabrera - Detroit Tigers Third Baseman

Miguel is one of the youngest and most talented hitters in the game of baseball today. He also holds the Florida Marlins record for Cachapa’s eaten in a season (ok I made that one up). Since coming to the league in 2003 at the tender age of 20, he has ballooned up at least 60-70 lbs (depending where you look). Luckily for him he plays third base and there’s not much movement required on the hot corner. Apparently he played shortstop for a time in his pre-major league career, which is highly laughable at this point. How a guy with this type of talent can be so lazy is beyond the grasp of my simple mind. He needs to drop some weight or he'll turn into a DH for the next 15 years because he's too fat to bend over for ground balls.

Dude, I have to run ALL the way around the bases?

6. Jared Lorenzen - NY Giants QB

Ah the greatest job in sports, the backup QB. The dude doesn’t get too much burn, but he clearly deserves his position on this list. I wonder, does Pizza Hut deliver to the sideline? I will agree that football is the most common sport to find the big guys, due to the nature of the game, but not at the quarterback position. This signal caller is listed at 6’4” 285lbs, but by the looks of his pictures I’m not sure that’s too accurate. At least if the Giants need an emergency O-lineman or fullback Jared could step up and handle business. As for the QB sneak, its kinda hard to be sneaky when you tip the scales at nearly 300 lbs.(dude is definitely 325 lbs. at least). Due to his fatness, he’s earned these nicknames, "Quarter(got)back", "Hefty Lefty", "The Pillsbury Throwboy", "The Abominable Throwman", "J.Load", "Round Mound of Touchdown", "BBQ (Big Beautiful Quarterback)", "Battleship Lorenzen", and last but not least Butterball. (nicknames courtesy of Wikipedia)

The Pillsbury Throw-boy. Hee hee!

5. Shaq - Phoenix Suns Center

Shaq used to be the most dominant force in basketball, but now he’s old, he’s fat, and his knees are worn down from carrying around all that excess baggage. Shaq was on my list for this top 10 before his trade was announce earlier this week, but since he’s in the news it makes him deserve the position even more. The Heat recognized that ‘the Diesel’ was past his prime and sent him packing to the West Coast. On the other hand, what are the Suns thinking? It's going to be a lot harder to run and gun when Shaq is trying to drag his big old butt up and down the court for 48 minutes. I don’t see this scenario working out too well, but you never know I guess. Wait, Shaq had that show getting fat kids to lose weight didn’t he? (Kind of ironic if you ask me)

Hey Shaq, a few hours on the elliptical machine wouldn’t hurt brah!

4. Ted Washington, Jamal Williams, Shaun Rogers, Casey Hampton… Pretty much any Defensive Tackle in the NFL

You have to be a mountain of a man to play defensive tackle in the NFL. Every year offensive lineman are getting bigger and bigger, and the defensive lineman also must pack on the pounds to catch up. True, I coulda went O-line here as well, but no one really cares about the O-line. They are the unsung heroes of the NFL, but they aren’t getting any love here. You could vote any of the guys mentioned above most likely to be thrown out of an all you can eat buffet, as they are just HUGE human beings. Washington weighs in at 375 lbs, Williams at 350 lbs, Rogers 340lbs, and Hampton 325 lbs (all once again generous weights). All I know is that I feel bad for every toilet in all these guys’ homes’… I hope they are reinforced with some type of bionic material. Good thing these guys are rich because their clothes gotta be expensive considering it's all the size of circus tents.

He will eat your kids…

3. George Foreman, John Kruk, and Charles Barkley – Announcers and Ex-Athletes

Introducing the all fat announcing team…not too sure what is fatter here though - their waste lines or their ego’s. These guys are all former athletes, and Snack and I agreed that they were all fat enough during their careers to make the list. The Round Mound of Rebound has put on the P’s since hanging up the sneak’s, and also admittedly gambled away millions of dollars. George Foreman - go have another kid named George, and grill me hot dog’s on your Foreman grill you obese, obese man. And the only reason John “Nutri-system pays my gambling debt” Kruk puts so much gel in hair is to distract you from him sloppy man boobs, very sneaky Kruker. We miss the mullet though, brah.

You brought me a doughnut! I love you!

2. Kyle Orton - Chicago Bears Quarterback

Kyle ‘The Bottle’ Orton as he is so affectionately called is another backup QB. What’s up with these guys? I wish I could throw because backup QB seems to be a job where you can eat junk food, drink booze, and bang hot football groupies… not too bad. ‘The Bottle’ should come party with Snack and Diego someday. Orton is a loose cannon; luckily for him he doesn’t play too much so there’s plenty of time for him to get his drink on. Also, there’s no way Lovie Smith considers him the answer at the QB position. And that Chuck Norris-esque neck beard he is rocking is just plain terrible. So horrible in fact that there’s a whole website dedicated to him getting rid of it. Check out Shave Kyle Orton's Neckbeard.

PS - There are plenty of pics out there showing Orton with his shirt off, and believe me, he is as out of shape as Snack. We just went with a drunkie one caue they're funnier, but make no mistake, he's a fattie.

Behold the power of the NECKBEARD!

1. John Daly – Pro Golfer

The chain-smoking, whiskey-swilling, bad-back-having pro golfer is our number one choice for most out of shape athlete. He no longer gets exemptions on tour because of his past ailments and abuses, and now must rely on sponsor exemptions to get into tournaments. The only problem is, once he gets in, he usually has to quit early because of his bum back. And I’m sure the bottle of Jack, prescription of Vicodin and bucket of fried chicken he has for breakfast every morning doesn’t help his cause. We need to get him on some HGH quick, cause if he keeps all this craziness up (definitely caused by being a fat drunk), he very well may be the first person to ever assault someone with a club at a PGA event (ala Happy Gilmore) – or the first person to smoke a carton of cigs during one round of a PGA event…we’re not sure which will come first…

Snack in twenty years...

Coach of the All-Fat Team – Mark Mangino

We know he’s a college coach, but honestly, could you think of anyone better then him to coach the squad? He’s about a cheeseburger away from 450 lbs. (just my guess…he’s gotta be over 400 lbs., but alas, they don’t give coaches’ heights and weights like the players do), but he still makes himself look like a member of the Sopranos every time he wears his velour suits. That makes him the man in our book. And he did coach the Kansas Jayhawks to an unexpectedly great season, so maybe he could knock our group of fatties into shape…

You talkin' to me?

Until next time...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Monday Morning Hangover...

Lots of Penguin action this weekend with back-to-back home afternoon games on Saturday and Sunday. It was a nice looking home stand for the Pens as they won both games outright and took over the number one spot in the Atlantic division. No Sid the Kid, no problem as plenty of other’s have stepped their game up in the captain’s absence.

Pens were the only action in town this weekend, but gotta show some love to the ‘Stache and his Pitt football program. Wannie had one heck of a recruiting class this year with 14 recruits coming from Pennsylvania (9 from WPIAL/ 6 of the top 11 in the state). This was such a good recruiting year that it was best in the Big East, and ranked No 25 in the nation by and 29th by

It is good to see Wannie’s hiring paying off with three solid draft classes in a row. Pitt definitely went entirely too long without recruiting players from the area, especially the WPIAL (where there is plenty of talent to go around). The QB position will be the biggest concern, with Bill Stull, Pat Bostick, and JUCO transfer Greg Cross all in the mix. Getting back Derek Kinder and adding 6’5” recruit receiver Jonathan Baldwin will certainly help the cause of whoever is chosen to be the signal caller.

Note from Diego: Pitt athletic directory Steve Pederson has decided to lower season ticket prices in order to sell out Heinz Field for Pitt football games this season. Pretty smart if you ask me as its always good to have that extra home field advantage. It’s a lot easier to get fired up playing in front of a full house as opposed to a half empty stadium.

No Sid, No problem

Those were two great games this weekend by our Pens. Here’s hoping that Geno’s parents stay in Pittsburgh forever, if that is the way he is going to always play whenever they are watching in person(7 points in two days). Also, winger’s Sykora and Malone are both increasing their production as well. Malone is just bullying players from around the opponent’s goal, especially with the man advantage; while Sykora is finding open ice and has been on the receiving end of a lot of Malkin’s assist’s. The chemistry between these three players has led Pittsburgh to three victories in a row at home, and given them 1st place in the Atlantic division.

So is it just me or is it a little weird how the Pens are now scoring like madmen on their power play? Part of the reason may be that the team is playing with a chip on their shoulder because many believed they would struggle to keep their composure with Crosby out with injury. Now the Pens are playing great hockey, and Sid is ahead of schedule and is practicing already with the team. As reader Benny’s Ghost suggested in the comments, with Sid due back in the lineup and Gary Roberts and the Flower coming back as well, Shero and Therrien have to make some tough decisions lying around the corner.

The first line- LW- Malone C- Malkin RW- Sykora

Malkin had 33 goals in 78 games played last season, but this season he already has 31 goals with 26 games remaining. Malkin had only 5 goals per month in October through December, but in January he had 13 games played, 12 goals, and 5 assists. So far this month he’s been equally impressive scoring 4 goals and 11 assists, in only 5 games played. There are 9 games remaining this month and Malkin hasn’t showed any signs of slowing down as he constantly looks like the best, and fastest, player on the ice, no matter who the opponent. Furthermore, scoring from Malone and Sykora has also increased, along with the team’s power play that is now ranked 3rd in the NHL. (scoring on 21.2% of all PP’s).

This is the line Therrien has been looking for all year, and breaking them apart right now would be silly. It is unlikely that this line will keep producing on the same pace it is right now; but it still makes sense to keep Malkin and Sid on different lines, once Sid returns. One reason that its important to keep the two superstars split up is so teams can’t stack all their best defensive players on one line against them both. The question remains, which other player’s should Therrien pair up with Sid?

That answer to that question may not be so simple, but Colby has shown some chemistry and scoring ability when playing along the Kid. As for left wing that may be a little trickier as the line of Staal, Christenson, and Talbot has also been playing very well together as a whole. As reader Beanie suggested, players like Sid make everyone around them better, just look how Lemieux did it with Bob Erray. Should the Pens give Kennedy a shot on Sid’s line? Or do they need more firepower then just Armstrong and TK? What about Roberts? He could fit in well with Sid. We will have to wait a couple weeks to have this question answered, but who knows by then Shero might make a move that shakes up the whole roster. This leads me to my next topic the trade deadline.

Trade Deadline- February 26

Last year it was ‘Scary’ Gary Roberts and Georges Laraque, who will it be this year? There has been plenty of talk about Ray Shero wheeling and dealing at the trade deadline again this year, but there hasn’t been any action yet. Who is the most expendable?

With the improved play of Malone and his emergence into a 20 score threat, does this mean that Staal could be on his way out the door? As Tim Benz stated on his morning show on 105.9 the X today, its not like they are going to get a scoring winger for Taffe and a bag full of pucks. If the Pens wanna make a move chances are they are going to have to give up some young talent, and Staal and Fleury have been two of the names coming up most frequently.

My belief is that Staal should go before Fleury, I would hate to see him leave but Sabby as the back up goalie in the playoffs is down right scary. On the other hand I don’t wanna just get a rent-a-player for one season because it wouldn’t be worth giving up such quality young talent for one shot at a title. What do you think the Pen’s should do?

Note from Snack - I still think we should try and get Hossa from Atlanta, as a line of Crosby - Hossa - Armstrong along with a Malkin - Malone - Sykora line looks pretty damn good heading into March...

Until lata...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Couple of things...

First off, the Pens won yesterday 4-3 over the hated Philly Flyers...Malkin kept up his incredibly play, scoring a goal and adding three assists, and Ty Conklin was OK in net.

We now have a grip on second place in the Eastern Conference, and an even stronger grip on first in the Atlantic Division...The question, as reader benny benack's ghost pointed out, is what do you do when all these vets such as Adam Hall, Gary Roberts and Sid the Kid come back? Well Snack got you covered - here's how I think the lines should play out (barring any trades) when they playoffs begin...(in no particular order)


Malkin - Malone - Sykora

Crosby - Armstrong - Staal

Talbot - Ruutu - Laraque

Hall - Roberts - Taffe

Reserves - Smith, Kennedy


Whitney - Sydor

Gonchar - Scuderi

Letang - Orpik

In NFL news, my boy Tec over at Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies started a petition calling for all Patriots fans to henceforth be referred to as "nerd-ass idiot dork-jerks" because of their petition claiming the Patriots were robbed of some time or some crap. I read the stories about it and it all seems like whining to me (much like Seattle's "playing the refs" comments after XL), but I like the idea of calling the Patriots names, so I figured I'd let yinz all sign it...

Until lata...

PS - Check out Mondesi's House for our newest top 10 list...we'll have it posted here in a day or two, but we know how yinz can't wait for them, so we figured we'd let you know...