Friday, April 25, 2008

Steelers' Schedule Breakdown

Here in the burgh most people I know love the Steelers more then they love their own families. With that being said, it is always “breaking news” with top priority from any news outlets (post gazette, tribune review, kdka, etc) any time Steelers news occurs. This is particularly true during the off-season (especially during the long painful Bucco’s season). With the recent announcement of the Steelers schedule there is plenty to talk about… so if ESPN can have a two-hour special breaking down the NFL schedule, I figure I can throw my 2 cents in too…

Preseason: If you really care about the preseason, then you should jump off a bridge. The preseason stinks. It is a tease because the good players are taken out at the blink of an eye. Why do you think it’s so easy to get Steelers preseason tickets, yet so much more difficult to score tickets to a real game? Not only do the fans think the preseason is a joke, but the players do too - just ask LT.

Sunday September 7th VS Houston Texans 1 PM

Personally I would rather start off the year away. The reason I think that is cuz I hate going to Steelers games where I sweat. Mid 70’s and sunshine with no clouds is a day I’d rather spend drinking “dirty banana’s” at Sandcastle while staring at scantily clad women, not sitting inside Heinz sweating my nuts off.

Outcome: The Lers tend to struggle historically against the Texans, however they do stink, so I’m saying we win this one and start out 1-0.

Sunday September 14th @ Cleveland Browns 8:15

Wow didn’t take long for the Steelers to see the national spotlight. The craziest thing is the Browns have like 5 primetime games this year. That is probably more then they’ve had in the last 10 years put together.

Outcome: We own the Browns at Cleveland Brown stadium; beside the moonlight and all the bright lights inside the stadium will confuse the Browns players. Steelers win, we’re 2-0.

Sunday September 21st @ Philadelphia Eagles 4:15

Philly fans are the worst ever. They think they are all high and mighty, and better then everyone else, but all their team does is choke in the big game. This is a rivalry game though and its always fun to beat down the Eagles. Too bad we’re not playing this one at home cuz I would love to go, but I just can’t afford the trip to Philly, tickets, and bail to get outta jail.

Outcome: Those people are animals, but fortunately their team isn’t. Steelers get off to a hot start at 3-0.

Monday September 29th VS Ravens 8:15

You gotta love Monday night football, you stay up all night drinking resulting in coming to work the next day with your breath wreaking like chicken wing sauce, nacho cheese, beer, and yager. (not a good combo) Not to mention a pretty mean hangover Tuesday morning, and mud butt from all those beers you drank. See yinz there!

Outcome: The Ravens were terrible last year, and they still have no QB, a new coach, and a team leader who is well past his prime. Sure their defense is mean and nasty, but who’s isn’t in the NFL? Steelers win and go undefeated in September 4-0.

Sunday October 5 @ Jacksonville Jaguars 8:15

Three out of the first five games are night games, which is kind of crazy. The NFL loves putting the Lers on primetime, and they aren’t stupid they know Steelers=high ratings. This is a rematch of our first round playoff match up last year. Maybe we’ll get a makeup call for that shitty no call in last year’s game.

Outcome: Jagoffs are another team that seems to trouble the Steelers, especially in Jacksonville, and we can’t win em all this year. Steelers lose 4-1.

Sunday October 12 BYE WEEK

Gives you plenty of extra time to set up good match ups in your fantasy football team, and an early jump on picking out your Halloween costume.

Sunday October 19 @ Cincinnati Bengals 1:00

Bengals fell off last year, everyone thought they’d be good, but they pooped the bed. I expect no less of them this year. There has been turmoil in the off-season with the dismal of Chris “I fought the law and the law won” Henry and also drama with Chad “I finally realized the why people call them the Bungals” Johnson. It’s not too late for them to get their act together, but I don’t think Marv Lewis got what it takes to make that happen; he lost control of this ship years ago…

Outcome: “The jungle” of Paul Brown Stadium is a joke, Steelers roll on them. Steelers 5-1.

Sunday October 26 VS New York Giants 4:15

Eli and the Super Bowl champs head into the Burgh to start a pretty rough stretch of games for our Steelers. Plax may be one hell of receiver, but I’m pretty sure he can’t even read… gotta love that Michigan State education!

Outcome: Hard fought battle as the Steelers are awesome on their home field. Regrettably, the ability to read doesn’t help to win football games, Giants prevail. Steelers 5-2.

Monday November 3 @ Washington Redskins 8:30

It’s looking like I will be using a lot of sick days on Tuesday, come this fall…Thankfully, Snack will most likely be unemployed, so his sick days won't be affected.

Outcome: DC is for bureaucrats and lawmakers, not football players, Steelers win. Steelers 6-2.

Sunday November 9 VS Indianapolis Colts 4:15

Maybe we will get some snow in early November to slow down their high-powered offense, after all this is Pittsburgh. Either that or hope that Peyton Manning is tired out from doing all that acting in TV commercials.

Outcome: Colts give the Steelers the business in our house. Steelers 6-3.

Sunday November 16 VS San Diego Chargers 4:15

Steelers fans are pissed off from a loss the previous week, and they also get an extra 3 hours to tailgate (get belligerently drunk) then the usual 1 o’clock start time.

Outcome: Steelers, fueled by 68 thousand drunken fans win the game. Steelers 7-3.

Thursday November 20 VS Cincinnati Bengals

When I first saw the schedule, I got all excited cuz I thought this game was on Thanksgiving night… that woulda been awesome, but the game is actually a week before Thanksgiving, which is butt cheeks. Football was meant to be played on Sundays, not Thursday night. I thought this was America?

Outcome: My heart wants me to pick the Steelers in this one, and even though it’s a short week I am going to do it. Steelers 8-3.

Sunday November 30 @ New England Patriots 4:15

The new scandal for the Patriots this year, Tom Brady is a genetically engineered robot… Seriously though this is BS, we played them last year at Foxboro and they are making us go play there again, WTF? Those pansies in Boston are too scared to come to the Burgh anyways, they’d rather talk smack on on-line message boards.

Outcome: What you don’t think they have more camera’s hidden in that stadium somewhere? Steelers lose, 8-4.

Sunday December 7 VS Dallas Cowboys 4:15

Jessica Simpson in the Burgh, enough said. For real though, good lord that’s a lot of Super Bowl’s between these two teams. It seems like forever since we’ve hosted the Boys, but this is definitely gonna be a HUGE game for us, and it could make or break our season.

Outcome: Steelers lose to the cream of the crop in the NFC, even though Big Ben tries distracting Romo by getting Jessica hammered drunk dahn the South Side, 8-5.

Sunday December 14 @ Baltimore Ravens 1:00 Ravens are washed up there’s no doubt about that. By this point of the year they may have their stuff together though, however, the more likely scenario is that they will still suck ass.

Outcome: Steelers go undefeated against the Purple uniform wearing weirdo’s, 9-5.

Sunday December 21 @ Tennessee Titans 1:00

Vince Young is going to be suspended for this one… not for making it rain and punching a stripper… not for getting caught smoking a blunt in his Benz… not for totting a gun in a road rage incident… but for finally sucker punching ESPN analyst and former Steelers back Merrill Hoge for talking so much smack on him since he was drafted into the NFL.

Outcome: The power of Jeff Fischer’s mullet can’t get the job done at home, Steelers win 10-5.

Sunday December 28 VS Cleveland Browns At this point of the season the Cleveland fans will come to the realization that last year was a fluke and that the Browns truly do still suck. I reiterate the fact that the only athlete worth a crap in the entire state of Ohio is Lebron James (oh ya and now Terrell Pryor too) Better be ready to cheer for the Buckeyes, Brownies fans.

Outcome: Cleveland sucks, but somehow squeek one by us(we musta drank some of their river water...EWWWWW). Steelers finish 10-6.

Well there you have it folks, as I’m sure your all well aware my predictions (like those of every other sports outlet) are completely useless and unnecessary, still it was fun writing it. Go Steelers, see yinz on Saturday at the draft.

PS - And since it's election season, we figured we'd let Barack Obama tell us how he feels about the Steelers, but instead of sending a written response, all we got was this...

(Pic from

I guess a picture does say a thousand words...GO STEELERS!

PSS - Apparently, everyone loves to hate the Patriots and their very metro sexual QB, Tom Brady. This story is hilarious, and Snack personally feels it's true...

Until lata...

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